A lot of our expectations about sex education revolve around "having the talk." You see this on sitcoms all the time -- parents bumbling through an awkward conversation, trying to explain sex to their child in a way that's clear but not overwhelming. The situation is ripe for humor, because sex and sexuality are vast topics; seeing someone try to boil all the essential information down to a single conversation with a kid doesn't exactly inspire confidence. "The talk" is something a lot of parents approach with trepidation or avoid altogether.
But in my research, it became clear that "the talk" wasn't the best model out there for teaching kids about sex and sexuality. A much better option is what inspired Principle #2: Cultivate an Open Environment.
The ideal way to learn about sex isn't through being introduced to the topic suddenly as a pre-teen or having a single, all-encompassing lecture. Instead, the ideal way is to create a setting where conversations and questions about sex can arise organically.
In other words, it's not about "the talk"; it's about making your home a place where another talk is always welcome.
Why is this the better way to go? There are a number of reasons. One of the most compelling, for me, is that it can help you be more in tune with what your kid is thinking, what they're hearing from their friends and classmates, and what they understand about sex. If your child knows from experience that sex is a totally okay subject to discuss with you, then they'll be more comfortable saying, "Hey, I heard this thing at school today, and I'm not sure what it means." Or, "I saw this thing on TV. Can you explain it to me?" On the other hand, if you take the approach of one big talk, your child may very well encounter sexual words or stories that are confusing before that one big talk happens. In that situation, it's less likely that she or he would know it was okay to ask you about those things. This may mean that inaccurate or damaging ideas about sex go uncorrected for a very long time.
Another great reason to cultivate an open environment is that it sets you up to be a trusted resource in matters of sex and sexuality. Your kids will know from an early age that you know what you're talking about, are comfortable talking about these things, and will be able to handle whatever they throw at you. (We'll talk more about this aspect in an upcoming post about Principle #5.)
Furthermore, creating an environment at home where you can talk about sex and attraction and bodies, etc., will help your kid(s) to deal with those things healthily in their future relationships. As kids grow into adulthood and transition into sexual relationships with spouses, they will unavoidably have to talk about sex with those spouses. Every marriage involves sexual adjustments, and talking about those things can be really, really difficult. It puts you in a vulnerable and embarrassing position. However, if you've taught your children by example how to talk about those things, how to say those words without too much awkwardness, they'll have a great advantage in their relationships.
I want to acknowledge that there are some words and topics for each of us that feel especially awkward to say. Let's get a few of them out of the way right now: penis, vagina, vulva, nipple, breasts, sex, masturbation, intercourse, wet dream, menstruation, erection. Yikes! And even more intimidating than those words is the prospect of explaining sex to your children, being specific about how babies are made and what happens "when a man and a woman love each other very much." It can feel downright inappropriate to discuss these things. That's because, in almost all life situations, it is inappropriate to discuss these things. But when it comes to teaching your children, the rules are different.
I compare it to potty-training. It's not okay (typically) to ask your friends when they last urinated, nor is it acceptable to constantly ask your co-workers if they need to poop. Those things just wouldn't be polite or necessary. But when you're potty-training a child, the need to help them learn a crucial life skill is more important than being polite. The normal rules about social interaction don't apply, and what's more, the child is young enough that he or she won't even think it's weird. The same can be said of age-appropriate sex education for young children. You might say words in that situation that you wouldn't even say to your closest friends, and it will feel mildly uncomfortable, but it is totally justified and won't strike young kids as anything to worry about.
***
So if you want to cultivate an open environment, how do you actually accomplish that goal? How do you bridge the gap from "yeah, that sounds great" to "we can totally do this"?
If you can start early, please do! My son is not quite two years old, and I try to be mindful of ways that he's learning, even at such a young age. As he's learning the names of body parts, the word "penis" isn't something I shy away from teaching him. During bathtime, I'll ask him, "Where's your ear? Where's your hair? Where are your toes? Where's your penis? Where's your belly button?" Treating his penis like just another part of his body makes sense to me, because -- especially at his age -- that's exactly what it is, and I don't want him to get the impression that his penis is anything bad or shameful or weird. It's one small and simple way I can show him that all the parts of his body are just fine.
As kids get more and more verbal, there are lots of opportunities to cultivate an open dialogue with them about bodies, sex, procreation, and all the rest. They'll often ask questions or just tell you about something they've noticed. Sometimes what they say will surprise you or bother you, which is totally fine; it's just important not to brush off their questions or respond with anger or disgust. Kids are simply trying to make sense of their world, and though it can be hard to remember in the moment, the things they say that are offensive to you most likely are just silly, confusing, or interesting to them.
But what if it's too late to "start early"? What if you're not dealing with toddlers or kindergarteners, but teenagers? Don't think that you've missed your chance. You can still start modeling that openness and inviting your kids to come to you with their issues. One great way is to use media and entertainment as jumping-off points. If a TV show your family watches has a storyline about something related to sex or relationships that you want to discuss with your son, start that conversation. If you're driving your daughter to volleyball practice and a song comes on the radio with a phrase that troubles you, take advantage of the fact that she's basically trapped in the car to let her know what you think. It might feel really strange, and it might elicit some eye-rolling, but it can signal an important change.
With older kids, you might even want to be really straightforward with them about your desire to change things. You can tell them directly that you want to do better in a certain way, whether that means changing to be more open and communicative about tough topics or making any other kind of change. This sets the tone for them to be part of the improvement along with you. The challenge then is to actually follow through, and that will require you to pay close attention, find opportunities to talk, and step outside your comfort zone.
In all of this, it's important to lead by example. You might be someone who's very comfortable with sexuality or someone who's not, but either way, you can show your kids that you're there for them and that no question is too weird, scary, or silly to ask.
I'd Love To Know: Do you feel it's best to have a home where sex can be discussed freely? Do you want sexual topics to be treated with a little more restraint? How was this matter handled in the home you grew up in, and how similar do you want your own home to be? What do you think of the concept of "the talk"? Are there important advantages I overlooked in this post? Have you encountered much awkwardness in teaching your kids about sex, and if so, how have you handled it? I'd love to know. Join the conversation in the comments below.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Monday, May 25, 2015
Principle #1: Define Your Values
I have a book sitting on my shelf right now. Its title is a simple but poignant question -- What Do You Really Want for Your Children? This is the question at the heart of Principle #1: Define Your Values.
Most parents want absolutely everything for their kids. They want to raise them to be great in every area of life -- funny, determined, respectful, creative, compassionate, smart, friendly, brave, confident, yet also humble and willing to learn. Parents want their kids to have loyal friends, top-notch schooling, perfect health, a few well-selected hobbies, and a bright future. There's no good thing we don't want for our kids.
But the way that book's title is phrased narrows things down a bit when it asks, "What do you really want for your children?" That "really" causes me to evaluate what, out of all those things, is most important, most necessary for my child's well-being.
The most important things will be different for every family and possibly for every individual kid. When I've reflected on what I really want for my child, I've come up with three things that strike me as most important -- happiness, honesty, and kindness. I know families who put a high premium on other values, such as independence, reverence, knowledge, respect, obedience, empowerment, fun, hard work, or safety. These values are all great -- you can take each of them to an unhealthy extreme, certainly, but placed in a proper perspective, each one can be beneficial.
The task of Principle #1 is to put some effort into deciding which values are most important for your family.
I want to make a special note here that even though this blog is all about sex education, and even though this principle -- Define Your Values -- is completely relevant to how you'll address sex education with your kids, I'm not just talking about defining values that are specific to sex and sexuality. The values that matter most for you as a parent have a much wider application. These are the values that you want to instill in your kids to help them in their educations, in their friendships, in their major life choices, in their hobbies. These are whole-life values.
So as you're doing the work of defining your values, don't feel like you need to focus too much on the sex education side of things. Just consider what values matter most to you overall, and I promise that they'll tie in beautifully when it comes to sex education.
Here are some questions that will help you define your values:
How do I want my kids to approach life?
What qualities do I want my family to exhibit? What words would I want their friends or our neighbors to use to describe us as a family?
When my children are adults, how would I like them to describe themselves, our family, or their childhood?
When I pray for my kids, what sorts of blessings do I want for them?
When my kids have received blessings in the past (baby blessings, blessings when they're sick, blessings at the beginning of a school year, etc.), what qualities has the person performing the blessing specifically mentioned as ones they possess or are in special need of?
And if you're interested in thinking about your family's approach to sex education as you define your values, these questions might help:
How do I want my kids to feel about sex when they're adults? (Psst: One really good clue to that answer might come from thinking about how you want to feel about sex now that you are an adult.)
If someone were to ask your adult child about their sex education at home, what words would you want them to use?
***
As you ask these questions and reflect on the way your family operates, I think you'll notice which values you really want for your children -- not just the ones that would be nice, but the ones you care deeply about and prioritize above all the others. For our purposes, I think it's helpful to narrow your list down to 2-5 values, simply so they're easy to remember off the top of your head. As I mentioned before, the values I care most about are happiness, honesty, and kindness. You might come up with lists like these:
- trust, safety, love, righteousness
- joy, independence, respect
- obedience, knowledge
- empowerment, fun, patience
And so on and so forth. Whatever combination makes sense for you, defining your values will give you a great starting point for taking care of sex education with your kids. Knowing which values matter most for you will clarify your goals, and when faced with a difficult or confusing situation, you can return to those values to figure out your next move.
I'd Love To Know: What values take precedence for your family? How did you come to identify those specific values? Were they obvious, or did you have to examine the question carefully? How do you think these values will guide you as you teach your kids about sex and sexuality? How have these values already affected your parenting choices? I'd love to know. Join the conversation in the comments below.
Most parents want absolutely everything for their kids. They want to raise them to be great in every area of life -- funny, determined, respectful, creative, compassionate, smart, friendly, brave, confident, yet also humble and willing to learn. Parents want their kids to have loyal friends, top-notch schooling, perfect health, a few well-selected hobbies, and a bright future. There's no good thing we don't want for our kids.
But the way that book's title is phrased narrows things down a bit when it asks, "What do you really want for your children?" That "really" causes me to evaluate what, out of all those things, is most important, most necessary for my child's well-being.
The most important things will be different for every family and possibly for every individual kid. When I've reflected on what I really want for my child, I've come up with three things that strike me as most important -- happiness, honesty, and kindness. I know families who put a high premium on other values, such as independence, reverence, knowledge, respect, obedience, empowerment, fun, hard work, or safety. These values are all great -- you can take each of them to an unhealthy extreme, certainly, but placed in a proper perspective, each one can be beneficial.
The task of Principle #1 is to put some effort into deciding which values are most important for your family.
I want to make a special note here that even though this blog is all about sex education, and even though this principle -- Define Your Values -- is completely relevant to how you'll address sex education with your kids, I'm not just talking about defining values that are specific to sex and sexuality. The values that matter most for you as a parent have a much wider application. These are the values that you want to instill in your kids to help them in their educations, in their friendships, in their major life choices, in their hobbies. These are whole-life values.
So as you're doing the work of defining your values, don't feel like you need to focus too much on the sex education side of things. Just consider what values matter most to you overall, and I promise that they'll tie in beautifully when it comes to sex education.
Here are some questions that will help you define your values:
How do I want my kids to approach life?
What qualities do I want my family to exhibit? What words would I want their friends or our neighbors to use to describe us as a family?
When my children are adults, how would I like them to describe themselves, our family, or their childhood?
When I pray for my kids, what sorts of blessings do I want for them?
When my kids have received blessings in the past (baby blessings, blessings when they're sick, blessings at the beginning of a school year, etc.), what qualities has the person performing the blessing specifically mentioned as ones they possess or are in special need of?
And if you're interested in thinking about your family's approach to sex education as you define your values, these questions might help:
How do I want my kids to feel about sex when they're adults? (Psst: One really good clue to that answer might come from thinking about how you want to feel about sex now that you are an adult.)
If someone were to ask your adult child about their sex education at home, what words would you want them to use?
***
As you ask these questions and reflect on the way your family operates, I think you'll notice which values you really want for your children -- not just the ones that would be nice, but the ones you care deeply about and prioritize above all the others. For our purposes, I think it's helpful to narrow your list down to 2-5 values, simply so they're easy to remember off the top of your head. As I mentioned before, the values I care most about are happiness, honesty, and kindness. You might come up with lists like these:
- trust, safety, love, righteousness
- joy, independence, respect
- obedience, knowledge
- empowerment, fun, patience
And so on and so forth. Whatever combination makes sense for you, defining your values will give you a great starting point for taking care of sex education with your kids. Knowing which values matter most for you will clarify your goals, and when faced with a difficult or confusing situation, you can return to those values to figure out your next move.
I'd Love To Know: What values take precedence for your family? How did you come to identify those specific values? Were they obvious, or did you have to examine the question carefully? How do you think these values will guide you as you teach your kids about sex and sexuality? How have these values already affected your parenting choices? I'd love to know. Join the conversation in the comments below.
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Getting Started
For a few years now, I've been deeply interested in sex education and, specifically, sex education in Mormon families. I've spent a lot of time researching anything related to this topic, trying to get a handle on the current state of affairs and come up with ideas for how to do my absolute best when it comes time to educate my own child. A lot of my research was aimed towards writing a book one day. Maybe I'll still do that eventually, but for now, I think this blog is a good fit for what I'm trying to do.
But what am I trying to do, exactly? I tried to explore and answer that question in this journal entry from March of 2013, when I was pregnant with our son:
March 19, 2013
I think about the baby in my belly right now -- a boy, if the sonogram can be trusted. [My husband] Craig and I hope wonderful things for him and any other children we'll be blessed with in the years to come. We have dreams for every aspect of their lives, all centered around the hope that they will grow into people who are happy, honest, and kind. Those hopes relate to everything, even to the realm of their sexual identities and experiences.
We'll be responsible for so much when this little baby is born. I think we'll do okay and even do really well in a lot of areas. I think we'll laugh with him and be engaged, devoted parents. I know we'll love him. The one responsibility that intimidates me somewhat is the responsibility to teach him. That honestly scares me, leaves me quaking in my boots a little bit.
The topic of sex education is one that stands out as a particularly important part of parenting, or at least of my parenting. It's something I really want to get right for my kids, probably because I know the possible effects of being raised without a lot of resources in that area. My parents are amazing and they got so many things right for me, and they did better with the sex education stuff than plenty of parents I've heard of. But there were still big gaps and problems that made some things difficult for me once I became an adult. It's just something I want to be really thoughtful about now that I'm going to be on the parenting side of the equation.
If I can sum up my goals for sex education with my own future kids, it looks something like this:
- I want my kids to be happy -- with their choices, with their feelings, with their bodies.
- I want my kids to be honest -- equipped with the knowledge and language they need in order to understand sexuality, raised in an honest and open environment.
- I want my kids to be kind -- to understand how their actions impact others (particularly those they will love and marry), to make decisions that demonstrate care for themselves and others.
I think the gospel and our whole religious/spiritual framework is an important part of reaching those goals. The gospel is about the private aspects of our lives as much as it is about the public aspects, and even though sex and sexuality may conjure up associations with words like "awkward," "inappropriate," "dirty," "nasty," "gross," and "sinful," these are not the words of Christ; these are the adversary's words, the adversary's deceptions. Perhaps, for religious people, these particular deceptions are more subtle and tempting than the deceptions that show up at the other end of the spectrum, where we find that sexuality is all about self-centered indulgence and recklessness.
But here's the truth of the matter: neither of these approaches live up to what our Heavenly Parents want for us, and as we take on parenthood in our own spheres, neither of these approaches is good or right for our children. Cloaking sexuality in shame, secrecy, fear, or ugliness is no more a service to kids than presenting sex as a free-for-all where anything goes.
So when it comes to sex and sexuality, what do our Heavenly Parents want for us? How can parents approach these topics in a way that is good and right for children? Those are the questions I want to answer in the book [and now, blog], partly for my family, but I hope in a way that's useful for other Mormon families as well. I just want to produce something that will help Mormon families (of all kinds) to teach and talk about sexuality in a healthy, honest, loving way. I hope that more and more young men and women will grow up feeling empowered in these parts of life -- understanding and cherishing their bodies, appreciating their own sexuality as a pure and wonderful gift, preparing for sexual relationships that evolve and bring them closer to the one they love most.
***
So, again -- what am I trying to do?
I want to present the best information I know of in order to help Mormon families handle sex education in a loving, honest, gospel-harmonious way. I want to address all the many aspects of sex education, from one parent to another. And I hope you'll join me.
There are so many things I want to talk about! Including:
- the law of chastity
- age-appropriate conversations
- how to create a good environment for sex education
- how to choose guiding values for your family
- sexual desire and urges
- modesty
- dating
- outside influences (friends, other family members, church, school, media, entertainment)
- what to do if parents disagree about what to teach or how to teach it
- abuse prevention and response
- scriptural teachings
- consent
- how to teach the actual biological facts of sex in a way that won't make you want to die
- slang terms vs. anatomically-correct words
- emotional responsibility
- puberty
I could go on and on; I have notebooks full of this stuff. The point is that there's a lot to cover, and it's all so, so important. Every part of parenting feels like the most high-stakes game ever invented, and out of all those parts, sex education might just be the most crucial. It can be intimidating. I'm gonna do my best to dial down the intimidation and pump up your confidence, because the truth is that you can do this. You'll probably blush sometimes, or laugh nervously, or stumble over your words, or feel totally confused or scared. And all of that is fine.
In the coming weeks, I'm going to start by sharing Ten Principles of Healthy Sex Education. These are principles I came up with through my research, and they're meant to give a solid foundation on which to build all the more specific conversations you'll have with your kids -- the conversations about body parts, puberty, sexual intimacy, and so forth.
Once the Ten Principles are all mapped out, we can move on to the nitty-gritty. I'll cover individual topics in more depth, and I hope to be able to answer your questions as well. We'll see where the road takes us.
But what am I trying to do, exactly? I tried to explore and answer that question in this journal entry from March of 2013, when I was pregnant with our son:
March 19, 2013
I think about the baby in my belly right now -- a boy, if the sonogram can be trusted. [My husband] Craig and I hope wonderful things for him and any other children we'll be blessed with in the years to come. We have dreams for every aspect of their lives, all centered around the hope that they will grow into people who are happy, honest, and kind. Those hopes relate to everything, even to the realm of their sexual identities and experiences.
We'll be responsible for so much when this little baby is born. I think we'll do okay and even do really well in a lot of areas. I think we'll laugh with him and be engaged, devoted parents. I know we'll love him. The one responsibility that intimidates me somewhat is the responsibility to teach him. That honestly scares me, leaves me quaking in my boots a little bit.
The topic of sex education is one that stands out as a particularly important part of parenting, or at least of my parenting. It's something I really want to get right for my kids, probably because I know the possible effects of being raised without a lot of resources in that area. My parents are amazing and they got so many things right for me, and they did better with the sex education stuff than plenty of parents I've heard of. But there were still big gaps and problems that made some things difficult for me once I became an adult. It's just something I want to be really thoughtful about now that I'm going to be on the parenting side of the equation.
If I can sum up my goals for sex education with my own future kids, it looks something like this:
- I want my kids to be happy -- with their choices, with their feelings, with their bodies.
- I want my kids to be honest -- equipped with the knowledge and language they need in order to understand sexuality, raised in an honest and open environment.
- I want my kids to be kind -- to understand how their actions impact others (particularly those they will love and marry), to make decisions that demonstrate care for themselves and others.
I think the gospel and our whole religious/spiritual framework is an important part of reaching those goals. The gospel is about the private aspects of our lives as much as it is about the public aspects, and even though sex and sexuality may conjure up associations with words like "awkward," "inappropriate," "dirty," "nasty," "gross," and "sinful," these are not the words of Christ; these are the adversary's words, the adversary's deceptions. Perhaps, for religious people, these particular deceptions are more subtle and tempting than the deceptions that show up at the other end of the spectrum, where we find that sexuality is all about self-centered indulgence and recklessness.
But here's the truth of the matter: neither of these approaches live up to what our Heavenly Parents want for us, and as we take on parenthood in our own spheres, neither of these approaches is good or right for our children. Cloaking sexuality in shame, secrecy, fear, or ugliness is no more a service to kids than presenting sex as a free-for-all where anything goes.
So when it comes to sex and sexuality, what do our Heavenly Parents want for us? How can parents approach these topics in a way that is good and right for children? Those are the questions I want to answer in the book [and now, blog], partly for my family, but I hope in a way that's useful for other Mormon families as well. I just want to produce something that will help Mormon families (of all kinds) to teach and talk about sexuality in a healthy, honest, loving way. I hope that more and more young men and women will grow up feeling empowered in these parts of life -- understanding and cherishing their bodies, appreciating their own sexuality as a pure and wonderful gift, preparing for sexual relationships that evolve and bring them closer to the one they love most.
***
So, again -- what am I trying to do?
I want to present the best information I know of in order to help Mormon families handle sex education in a loving, honest, gospel-harmonious way. I want to address all the many aspects of sex education, from one parent to another. And I hope you'll join me.
There are so many things I want to talk about! Including:
- the law of chastity
- age-appropriate conversations
- how to create a good environment for sex education
- how to choose guiding values for your family
- sexual desire and urges
- modesty
- dating
- outside influences (friends, other family members, church, school, media, entertainment)
- what to do if parents disagree about what to teach or how to teach it
- abuse prevention and response
- scriptural teachings
- consent
- how to teach the actual biological facts of sex in a way that won't make you want to die
- slang terms vs. anatomically-correct words
- emotional responsibility
- puberty
I could go on and on; I have notebooks full of this stuff. The point is that there's a lot to cover, and it's all so, so important. Every part of parenting feels like the most high-stakes game ever invented, and out of all those parts, sex education might just be the most crucial. It can be intimidating. I'm gonna do my best to dial down the intimidation and pump up your confidence, because the truth is that you can do this. You'll probably blush sometimes, or laugh nervously, or stumble over your words, or feel totally confused or scared. And all of that is fine.
In the coming weeks, I'm going to start by sharing Ten Principles of Healthy Sex Education. These are principles I came up with through my research, and they're meant to give a solid foundation on which to build all the more specific conversations you'll have with your kids -- the conversations about body parts, puberty, sexual intimacy, and so forth.
Once the Ten Principles are all mapped out, we can move on to the nitty-gritty. I'll cover individual topics in more depth, and I hope to be able to answer your questions as well. We'll see where the road takes us.
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