Getting Started

For a few years now, I've been deeply interested in sex education and, specifically, sex education in Mormon families. I've spent a lot of time researching anything related to this topic, trying to get a handle on the current state of affairs and come up with ideas for how to do my absolute best when it comes time to educate my own child. A lot of my research was aimed towards writing a book one day. Maybe I'll still do that eventually, but for now, I think this blog is a good fit for what I'm trying to do.

But what am I trying to do, exactly? I tried to explore and answer that question in this journal entry from March of 2013, when I was pregnant with our son:

March 19, 2013

I think about the baby in my belly right now -- a boy, if the sonogram can be trusted. [My husband] Craig and I hope wonderful things for him and any other children we'll be blessed with in the years to come. We have dreams for every aspect of their lives, all centered around the hope that they will grow into people who are happy, honest, and kind. Those hopes relate to everything, even to the realm of their sexual identities and experiences.

We'll be responsible for so much when this little baby is born. I think we'll do okay and even do really well in a lot of areas. I think we'll laugh with him and be engaged, devoted parents. I know we'll love him. The one responsibility that intimidates me somewhat is the responsibility to teach him. That honestly scares me, leaves me quaking in my boots a little bit.

The topic of sex education is one that stands out as a particularly important part of parenting, or at least of my parenting. It's something I really want to get right for my kids, probably because I know the possible effects of being raised without a lot of resources in that area. My parents are amazing and they got so many things right for me, and they did better with the sex education stuff than plenty of parents I've heard of. But there were still big gaps and problems that made some things difficult for me once I became an adult. It's just something I want to be really thoughtful about now that I'm going to be on the parenting side of the equation.

If I can sum up my goals for sex education with my own future kids, it looks something like this:

- I want my kids to be happy -- with their choices, with their feelings, with their bodies.

- I want my kids to be honest -- equipped with the knowledge and language they need in order to understand sexuality, raised in an honest and open environment.

- I want my kids to be kind -- to understand how their actions impact others (particularly those they will love and marry), to make decisions that demonstrate care for themselves and others.

I think the gospel and our whole religious/spiritual framework is an important part of reaching those goals. The gospel is about the private aspects of our lives as much as it is about the public aspects, and even though sex and sexuality may conjure up associations with words like "awkward," "inappropriate," "dirty," "nasty," "gross," and "sinful," these are not the words of Christ; these are the adversary's words, the adversary's deceptions. Perhaps, for religious people, these particular deceptions are more subtle and tempting than the deceptions that show up at the other end of the spectrum, where we find that sexuality is all about self-centered indulgence and recklessness.

But here's the truth of the matter: neither of these approaches live up to what our Heavenly Parents want for us, and as we take on parenthood in our own spheres, neither of these approaches is good or right for our children. Cloaking sexuality in shame, secrecy, fear, or ugliness is no more a service to kids than presenting sex as a free-for-all where anything goes.

So when it comes to sex and sexuality, what do our Heavenly Parents want for us? How can parents approach these topics in a way that is good and right for children? Those are the questions I want to answer in the book [and now, blog], partly for my family, but I hope in a way that's useful for other Mormon families as well. I just want to produce something that will help Mormon families (of all kinds) to teach and talk about sexuality in a healthy, honest, loving way. I hope that more and more young men and women will grow up feeling empowered in these parts of life -- understanding and cherishing their bodies, appreciating their own sexuality as a pure and wonderful gift, preparing for sexual relationships that evolve and bring them closer to the one they love most.

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So, again -- what am I trying to do?

I want to present the best information I know of in order to help Mormon families handle sex education in a loving, honest, gospel-harmonious way. I want to address all the many aspects of sex education, from one parent to another. And I hope you'll join me.

There are so many things I want to talk about! Including:

- the law of chastity
- age-appropriate conversations
- how to create a good environment for sex education
- how to choose guiding values for your family
- sexual desire and urges
- modesty
- dating
- outside influences (friends, other family members, church, school, media, entertainment)
- what to do if parents disagree about what to teach or how to teach it
- abuse prevention and response
- scriptural teachings
- consent
- how to teach the actual biological facts of sex in a way that won't make you want to die
- slang terms vs. anatomically-correct words
- emotional responsibility
- puberty

I could go on and on; I have notebooks full of this stuff. The point is that there's a lot to cover, and it's all so, so important. Every part of parenting feels like the most high-stakes game ever invented, and out of all those parts, sex education might just be the most crucial. It can be intimidating. I'm gonna do my best to dial down the intimidation and pump up your confidence, because the truth is that you can do this. You'll probably blush sometimes, or laugh nervously, or stumble over your words, or feel totally confused or scared. And all of that is fine.

In the coming weeks, I'm going to start by sharing Ten Principles of Healthy Sex Education. These are principles I came up with through my research, and they're meant to give a solid foundation on which to build all the more specific conversations you'll have with your kids -- the conversations about body parts, puberty, sexual intimacy, and so forth.

Once the Ten Principles are all mapped out, we can move on to the nitty-gritty. I'll cover individual topics in more depth, and I hope to be able to answer your questions as well. We'll see where the road takes us.