Principle #2: Cultivate an Open Environment

A lot of our expectations about sex education revolve around "having the talk." You see this on sitcoms all the time -- parents bumbling through an awkward conversation, trying to explain sex to their child in a way that's clear but not overwhelming. The situation is ripe for humor, because sex and sexuality are vast topics; seeing someone try to boil all the essential information down to a single conversation with a kid doesn't exactly inspire confidence. "The talk" is something a lot of parents approach with trepidation or avoid altogether.

But in my research, it became clear that "the talk" wasn't the best model out there for teaching kids about sex and sexuality. A much better option is what inspired Principle #2: Cultivate an Open Environment.

The ideal way to learn about sex isn't through being introduced to the topic suddenly as a pre-teen or having a single, all-encompassing lecture. Instead, the ideal way is to create a setting where conversations and questions about sex can arise organically.

In other words, it's not about "the talk"; it's about making your home a place where another talk is always welcome.

Why is this the better way to go? There are a number of reasons. One of the most compelling, for me, is that it can help you be more in tune with what your kid is thinking, what they're hearing from their friends and classmates, and what they understand about sex. If your child knows from experience that sex is a totally okay subject to discuss with you, then they'll be more comfortable saying, "Hey, I heard this thing at school today, and I'm not sure what it means." Or, "I saw this thing on TV. Can you explain it to me?" On the other hand, if you take the approach of one big talk, your child may very well encounter sexual words or stories that are confusing before that one big talk happens. In that situation, it's less likely that she or he would know it was okay to ask you about those things. This may mean that inaccurate or damaging ideas about sex go uncorrected for a very long time.

Another great reason to cultivate an open environment is that it sets you up to be a trusted resource in matters of sex and sexuality. Your kids will know from an early age that you know what you're talking about, are comfortable talking about these things, and will be able to handle whatever they throw at you. (We'll talk more about this aspect in an upcoming post about Principle #5.)

Furthermore, creating an environment at home where you can talk about sex and attraction and bodies, etc., will help your kid(s) to deal with those things healthily in their future relationships. As kids grow into adulthood and transition into sexual relationships with spouses, they will unavoidably have to talk about sex with those spouses. Every marriage involves sexual adjustments, and talking about those things can be really, really difficult. It puts you in a vulnerable and embarrassing position. However, if you've taught your children by example how to talk about those things, how to say those words without too much awkwardness, they'll have a great advantage in their relationships.

I want to acknowledge that there are some words and topics for each of us that feel especially awkward to say. Let's get a few of them out of the way right now: penis, vagina, vulva, nipple, breasts, sex, masturbation, intercourse, wet dream, menstruation, erection. Yikes! And even more intimidating than those words is the prospect of explaining sex to your children, being specific about how babies are made and what happens "when a man and a woman love each other very much." It can feel downright inappropriate to discuss these things. That's because, in almost all life situations, it is inappropriate to discuss these things. But when it comes to teaching your children, the rules are different.

I compare it to potty-training. It's not okay (typically) to ask your friends when they last urinated, nor is it acceptable to constantly ask your co-workers if they need to poop. Those things just wouldn't be polite or necessary. But when you're potty-training a child, the need to help them learn a crucial life skill is more important than being polite. The normal rules about social interaction don't apply, and what's more, the child is young enough that he or she won't even think it's weird. The same can be said of age-appropriate sex education for young children. You might say words in that situation that you wouldn't even say to your closest friends, and it will feel mildly uncomfortable, but it is totally justified and won't strike young kids as anything to worry about.

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So if you want to cultivate an open environment, how do you actually accomplish that goal? How do you bridge the gap from "yeah, that sounds great" to "we can totally do this"?

If you can start early, please do! My son is not quite two years old, and I try to be mindful of ways that he's learning, even at such a young age. As he's learning the names of body parts, the word "penis" isn't something I shy away from teaching him. During bathtime, I'll ask him, "Where's your ear? Where's your hair? Where are your toes? Where's your penis? Where's your belly button?" Treating his penis like just another part of his body makes sense to me, because -- especially at his age -- that's exactly what it is, and I don't want him to get the impression that his penis is anything bad or shameful or weird. It's one small and simple way I can show him that all the parts of his body are just fine.

As kids get more and more verbal, there are lots of opportunities to cultivate an open dialogue with them about bodies, sex, procreation, and all the rest. They'll often ask questions or just tell you about something they've noticed. Sometimes what they say will surprise you or bother you, which is totally fine; it's just important not to brush off their questions or respond with anger or disgust. Kids are simply trying to make sense of their world, and though it can be hard to remember in the moment, the things they say that are offensive to you most likely are just silly, confusing, or interesting to them.

But what if it's too late to "start early"? What if you're not dealing with toddlers or kindergarteners, but teenagers? Don't think that you've missed your chance. You can still start modeling that openness and inviting your kids to come to you with their issues. One great way is to use media and entertainment as jumping-off points. If a TV show your family watches has a storyline about something related to sex or relationships that you want to discuss with your son, start that conversation. If you're driving your daughter to volleyball practice and a song comes on the radio with a phrase that troubles you, take advantage of the fact that she's basically trapped in the car to let her know what you think. It might feel really strange, and it might elicit some eye-rolling, but it can signal an important change.

With older kids, you might even want to be really straightforward with them about your desire to change things. You can tell them directly that you want to do better in a certain way, whether that means changing to be more open and communicative about tough topics or making any other kind of change. This sets the tone for them to be part of the improvement along with you. The challenge then is to actually follow through, and that will require you to pay close attention, find opportunities to talk, and step outside your comfort zone.

In all of this, it's important to lead by example. You might be someone who's very comfortable with sexuality or someone who's not, but either way, you can show your kids that you're there for them and that no question is too weird, scary, or silly to ask.

I'd Love To Know: Do you feel it's best to have a home where sex can be discussed freely? Do you want sexual topics to be treated with a little more restraint? How was this matter handled in the home you grew up in, and how similar do you want your own home to be? What do you think of the concept of "the talk"? Are there important advantages I overlooked in this post? Have you encountered much awkwardness in teaching your kids about sex, and if so, how have you handled it? I'd love to know. Join the conversation in the comments below.